Journey or Destination

I have been thinking a lot about my purpose – what I am created for, what God has called me to be. In the face of criticism and the self serving, self satisfying culture we live in, I find my voice is easily muted. I get confused and off course, living in extreme highs and then extreme lows. There are days that I feel like God has His arms tightly wrapped around me – like I do to my girls when they are hurt, and days that the enemy has a foothold, and I feel myself crying out to God in desperation.

The questions of what am I doing? How can those moments of excitement – like standing the altar and looked into Matthew’s eyes and said “I do”, truly believing we would spend our lives together forever or when I gave birth to Mikaela and her little body was totally dependent on me – go from moments of joy, happiness to mundane, routine? How does something start out fun and then get boring?

I think about Moses on his way to the Promised Land, and all that was overcome, including the parting of the Red Sea – glory, adventure, excitement – to find himself wandering for 40 years in the desert. Or, Joseph, seeing God in his dreams, to being sold by his own family and throw into prison. I don’t know, but I would like to think they asked the questions I so often ask myself – “Where are you God? Why are silent now?”

It is in these moments, that God becomes more concerned about my character. Like a dad, or papa, He never forces me to make a decision, he gives me free will. I get to choose whether I quit or press forward. Do I give in? Admit defeat? Take the easy road? Or do I hold onto the hope and pray the prayer that Jesus prayed before he went to the cross? Am I brave enough to ask God to let his will be done in the face of persecution, when in fact his will could cost me everything?

Living out this life, is it about the journey or the destination? One thing is for certain, we all die. And as morbid as that may seem, it is a reality. As I am faced with these crucial decisions, I need to understand what drives and motivates me. Is it selfishness, pride, hurt? Or love and an eternity spent with Jesus Christ. I have made many, many decisions out of my own needs and desires – thrown in the towel when things got tough. I know, that I know, that the impact of my decisions carries on for generations. Are my actions leaving the legacy that I want? Do I have eternity in mind?

When Jesus came, he did not come to convert, but to heal the world. He showed up to make me who I was meant to be – who I was created to be. He came to give me life and take away all the things that prevent me from living. – to remove the past. His innocent death gives me eternal life. Jesus wants to restore me to who I was created to be. It is never too late to change the trajectory of my life.